Talking To Plants
by spritesinger
Summary: As Hogwarts' new Herbology Teacher I thought I should investigate the theory that talking to plants makes them grow quicker. When I started I didn't know there would be so much to talk about: meeting old friends, general Hogwarts life, a plot or two...
1. Chapter 1

"Right. Well ... yeah: right. I suppose this is rather odd, talking to plants, I mean. Actually, I suppose it's _really_ odd, but, yeah. I'm still going to give a try.

I came across an article on muggle gardening in the _Herbology__Monthly_. It was mainly about their plants and tools but there was a section about muggle gardening theories and one of them was that some herbolo-, I mean gardeners, believe that talking to plants makes them grow better. At first I wasn't sure but then I figured that I might as well give it a try - I haven't got anything to lose, really, have I?

So, here I am: talking to _plants_.

Right, what else should I talk about? Oh, I suppose I could start with the basics.

My name is Neville Longbottom and I am the new Herbology teacher at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. It's about three days before the start of the new school year, my first as a teacher and I'm absolutely _terrified_. Who would have imagined it? _Me_: a teacher!

I hadn't ever really thought about teaching before but Professor Sprout decided to retire and the new Headteacher (Professor Adlar), wrote to me to ask if I wanted the post - apparently Professor Sprout recommended me.

Let me just take off these dead leaves ...

So here I am. The teaching staff isn't the same as when I was here - Professor Sprout wasn't the only one to retire. Professor McGonagall also left about a year after the Battle for Hogwarts, her old bones had finally given out, she said, and she wanted to spend the next few years with her sister's family. She was shortly followed by Professor Slughorn who wanted to return to his comfortable retirement. Dr Henley now takes potions and Professor Fenton Transfiguration. The rest of the staff are pretty much the same although Professor Flitwick said that this would be his last year of teaching - we'll all miss him when he's gone.

You definitely need some more Dragon Dung, don't you?

I'm worried about my first few lessons - they're all planned but I don't know whether they'll be interesting enough. I've got the third years first and I thought that I might have them re-pot the miniature Whomping Willows in Greenhouse Four - hopefully there won't be any broken fingers.

There doesn't seem to be any Dragon Dung left. How odd - I was sure ... oh, I remember: I used the last of it on Tuesday with the Flutterby Bushes because they were looking under the weather. I wonder whether there is enough time to go and get some more today? Hang on, let me look at my watch...

No. There isn't.

Drat, how on earth can it have got to half-past four already? I only popped out for a moment around three to check you were all okay before the staff meeting at four.

Whoops.

Staff meeting.

At four.

I'd better run!

None of you seem to have grown yet - maybe it's one of those things that take a long time. I'll come back tomorrow, I think and try again.

I'd definitely better run."


	2. Chapter 2

"So, here I am again. I've got some more Dragon Dung - I popped over to Diagon Alley first thing this morning. Having a Floo connection to my office is a definite perk of being a teacher.

There you go - I'm sure you'll feel much better now you've got some Dragon Dung.

The other professors thought it was hilarious that I forgot about the staff meeting - and the fact that I turned up covered in soil - I hadn't even noticed until they pointed it out. Professor Sprout used to do the same thing, apparently. Hagrid brought some rock cakes and I _think_ I might have loosened a tooth. Dr Henley _did_ lose a tooth and had to get Madam Pomfrey to grow it back.

It's rude to bite people, you know. Even a Venomous Tentacular ought to know that - you really shouldn't do it.

Diagon Alley's awash with students, all buying their school supplies. Some of them looked so small - it's hard to believe that _I_ was once that small, possibly even smaller. I spotted Harry and Ginny looking at dress robes at Madam Malkins. They're engaged now and have decided that they are going to have a wedding midway through the winter term. Ron and Hermione are engaged too - Harry said that Ron asked Hermione with all of his usual tact but Hermione still said yes. They're going to have a summer wedding next year.

You need pruning, don't you? Hang on, let me find the secateurs...

I flooed to the Leaky Cauldron as it is the easiest place to get to Diagon Alley from. Hannah Abbot was there but I didn't stop to talk as she was surrounded by people. I haven't seen her in ages - her hair's much shorter now. On the way back we managed to have a quick catch-up. She's now the manager of the Leaky Cauldron - she took over from her aunt and uncle last year when they decided to retire.

Now, have you grown at all since I last saw you? No...I don't think so. Hmm, maybe I should go and see whether I can find that article again. Maybe you have to talk about specific things...I think I'll go and check.

I'd better clean my office up too. I didn't think about this but I shouldn't have brought the Dragon Dung back by Floo - it's not so much the travelling that's the problem but the flames - part of it caught fire and the sack exploded all over the floor. Luckily there were several spare pots in one corner so I managed to get the majority down to the greenhouses.

_Ouch!_ I thought I told you that it's rude to bite people!"


	3. Chapter 3

"Well, for my first ever lesson I don't _think_ it went too badly. Sure David Abney dislocated his finger but really, if you poke a Fanged Geranium what can you expect? At least he's still got a finger!

Madam Pomfrey fixed him up pretty quickly with no harm done – I was reminded of my first Care of Magical Creatures lesson when Malfoy insulted that Hippogriff, oh, what was his name. Something like Buckbeak, I think. At least it was only a dislocated finger this time!

He made such a fuss, though.

Actually, for a first day as a teacher overall I don't think I did _too_ badly. Apart from Abney nobody else went to the hospital wing and, all in all, I think it went ok. Touch wood, if I can find any, that is.

I know there's a wooden bench under all these pots. Somewhere…

There, touch wood.

I managed to get my office cleaned up after the sack of Dragon Dung exploded although there is a slightly funny smell which just _won't_go away! The things I do for you plants. Actually, I need to get some more - the last lot was only a small amount and it gets used so quickly around here. Not to mention the fact that First Years (and some Seventh Years) seem incapable of getting the stuff in the pot! Most of it went on the floor!

Hmm, you need a bigger pot, don't you? Hang on while I find something...

There - a bigger pot'll mean you'll be much more comfortable.

I found the article again; it just said muggle gardeners believe that talking generally helps so I guess I've just got to keep on trying. I suppose it must just takes while to get started. Maybe it would be a good idea to measure you all now so I can tell if you have actually grown. I think there's a tape measure in my pocket.

Oy! You can't eat that! I don't suppose tape measures are particularly good for Venomous Tentaculars - serve you right if you get horrid indigestion!

Drat – now I've got to find another one.

I thought I'd told you not to snatch: it's rude!

Since I've got lessons for the rest of the week you'll have to do without Dragon Dung until the weekend when I can get to Diagon Alley. I don't know how much I'll be able to bring back, though. Maybe Professor Adlar will let me borrow a Seventh Year or two to help.

Oh heck, it's nearly seven o'clock and I'm on detention duty tonight. Would you believe it? Somebody's managed to get a detention on the very first day! Why am I reminded of Fred and George?

I'd better go, otherwise there won't be any food left by the time I get there and Professor Fenton said it was steak and kidney pie for dinner – I bet Harry wishes he was here for that! It's still his favourite meal, even after however many years.


End file.
